i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize