When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
