you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
