Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
