Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
