I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
