9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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