we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
