I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
