for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
