I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
