its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
