Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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