dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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