WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
