I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
