she was so not down for the gang bang
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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