remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize