Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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