I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
