I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
