omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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