i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
