There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
