allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
