But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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