You smell like stripper and shame
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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