I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
