I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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