I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
