I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
