Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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