highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
