at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My vagina is very pro this idea
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
