everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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