I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
