We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
