After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
