I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize