I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
