I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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