Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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