Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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