The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
