I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
