now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
