do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
