she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
