The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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