3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I CAN MOONWALK!
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
