too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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