ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
dude. I can hear the air.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
