I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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