Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
