My first STD was from a foam party
I just saw a hot homeless man
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
