I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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