I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
