I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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