there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
