DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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