Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
