I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
