you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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