So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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