just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
